You steady me Slow and sweet we sway Take the lead and I will follow Finally ready now To close my eyes and just believe That you won't lead me where you don't go When my faith gets tired And my hope seems lost You spin me round and round And remind me of that song The one you wrote for me And we dance And we dance I've been told To pick up my sword And fight for love Little did I know That love had won for me Here in your arms You still my heart again And I breathe you in Like I've never breathed till now And I will lock eyes With the one who's ransomed me The one who gave me joy from mourning And I will lock eyes With the one who's chosen me The one who set my feet to dancing It's nice to know I'm not alone I've found my home here in your arms If you've been following my blogs from the beginning you might remember my healing story, and how attached to that was this new found call to dance. Now, I'm not a dancer and I don't particularly enjoy dancing. But, I also described in my early blogs that I had found a song that outlined a relationship with God centered around the idea of "dancing" with Him. The lyrics are above. But, what happens when I don't dance? When I don't dance physically or spiritually? What happens when I forget the closeness of my Savior and I stray...and try to dance to my own beat? Or maybe even the world's beat? Well, these past few weeks have been hard. With school in full swing and Guatemala fading into a distant memory...I really haven't been myself. Since coming off of medication, I've gone through some withdrawal...and now after 8 weeks of being home, my emotions are finally coming back to me. You see, antidepressants work in such a way that they lessen the sadness that you feel, while at the same time they don't allow you to feel any emotion to it's full extent. I'd spent the last 4 years telling myself when to feel joy, when I should feel sympathy, and when my heart should be broken. Despite the sadness over the last few years...I didn't cry that often, because I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to cry, even when sometimes I desperately wanted to. About 2 weeks ago the lack of medication caught up to me and I started to feel emotions, some emotions that I hadn't felt in a while...and all emotions to a much greater extent than I'm used to...which proved to be overwhelming. I spent a week constantly on the verge of tears, or crying. Sometimes for reasons I could identify....and sometimes for ones I couldn't. I would get overwhelmed and overflow (literally) with tears whenever I felt any emotion because I was so delicate. Emotions like embarrassment, curiosity, understanding, and confusion now brought me to tears. Happy ones and sad ones, but I always had tears welling up in my eyes. I was scared. Scared that I was getting depressed again. Scared that anxiety was coming back. Scared...because I haven't been "dancing" and that was part of the deal. Did I mention that my back has been acting up? God is real and faithful and He keeps His promises. He never fails me, even though my flesh is failing Him. I fell away from my commitment to honoring His ways and His heart in my life...and He showed me that I need Him. Without Him I have no joy, I have no hope, and I have no peace of mind. He is my antidepressant, prayer keeps my anxiety at bay, and dancing with Him brings constant healing. I've felt distant from God and sometimes I beg Him to come near, even though I know He's never left...but He felt far from me because I was walking away from Him. There's a pattern in my life of alignment and misalignment with God's heart. Guatemala is a place where it's easy to feel in tune with God's purposes, and high school is a place where it's easy to lose touch of God's desires. But the way that Jesus has prepared for me is better. Way better. "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21
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AuthorMy name is Alyssa Guzman, and I love to write. That being said, this blog isn't only to ease the curiosity of my supporters, I created it to benefit me...and to reflect on my experiences and build on the knowledge that I gained while serving in Guatemala...and to share the deep and meaningful stories with you, as well as the silly (and embarrassing) ones! |