One of my favorite songs, "Stars in the Night" by Tenth Avenue North (of course), has this lyric: "The life that lies ahead is more than all we leave behind". Depending on your perspective, this can be easy or hard to swallow.
When I first heard the song, about a two years ago, I was in a really good and hopeful place. I had gotten out from the hospital two months ago, and my life was only getting better. Thinking about those lyrics now is a lot different. So much has happened in these last two years...a lot of things that are hard to let go of. Two years ago I heard this song and I wholeheartedly believed that what was before me was better than my past, but now that I've had two really good years...is it true? Is what lies ahead more that all that is behind me? And that's the problem I've been facing. Since coming home from Guatemala this last July there's been a lot of things that I've been carrying with me. I've been bringing along good memories and good people, but I've also brought my burdens and heartbreak. I've been holding on so tightly to the good things that I haven't been able to let go of the bad things and move on from them. And, I haven't been able to open my eyes and see the future in front of me. I no longer trust that the life that lies ahead is more than what these last two years have held. Because my hands are full and I'm already overwhelmed with everything I'm juggling. Letting go is hard because you never know what's at the bottom of all that you're holding. Will old feelings resurface? Will the memories of some people hurt me? Is the potential for pain worth opening myself up to the potential for joy? Will I be able to let go of the hurt and heartbreak while still holding onto the things I hold so dearly? Let go and let God. You know what He holds in His hand? Me...and every last one of my tears. He knows my pain and heartbreak...He knows my longing to hold onto sweet memories and moments. He knows what's best for me. He has a plan, and He has so much in store for me that I can't even begin to fathom. He knows me best, better than I know myself...He knows just what I need to take with me to get me to the places He has destined for me. He's packing my luggage, filling up my car with gas, and booking the plane ticket. And He promises to travel with me. I've been driving on a bumpy road, the rear view mirror shows me a lot of beautiful things and a lot of broken things. I've come a long way, and God's been with me through all of it. I'm so thankful for where this road has taken me. But now it's time to trust God and finally take off.
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Something my team got very familiar with on the trip was the term ATL. Starting at training camp, we practiced praying to God, and waiting for Him to reveal something profound to you. In Guatemala, we used this concept to guide our street ministry days, fully relying on God to reveal to us who we were to minister to that day. And it worked, every time.
I wanted to bring that concept into my everyday life back in the states...and I was unsure of how that would look. I realized, that with high school being a great place to reach out to those who don't have hope and faith in Jesus, I should use that platform for continuing doing ATL ministry. Today was the first day of school. Last night I prayed...and God revealed to me two specific colors. A dark turquoise and a muted hot pink. The plan was to find someone wearing those colors...I thought maybe a teal sweatshirt and a pink top, or something along those lines. I don't know how...but I didn't spend a single second looking for that person today. Even though last night and this morning I had my heart set on finding that person and speaking life to them as the Lord willed...I forgot to look. My eyes were open, but only to my own interests. I had completely forgotten to pay attention to the work God was doing. Even at lunch I was reminded of the task given to me, and I realized that I hadn't been looking because I spent the morning being only aware of myself. At lunch I started down this dramatic train of thought thinking things that weren't so nice about the classmates I had interacted with that day. I caught and stopped myself, and prayed for a fresh perspective...and that I would see all of these people the way that God sees them. I forgot to look for the girl that afternoon, despite the lunchtime reminder. I got home, and then I decided to go for a run. As I was lacing up my shoes all of this came back to me and I was thinking about how I had neglected God's purposes for that day...and how I screwed up and was too focused on myself. Then, I noticed...the colors of my running shoes are teal and pink...the same shades God had given to me. It made me think, what direction am I running in? Where have I fixed my eyes? I was convicted when I realized that I had been running in every direction other towards God today...and that instead of my eyes being fixed on Christ, they were focused on me. I ran my run with a new purpose...to run to the Lord and cling to Him in all circumstances. And then I realized...that I was the girl that I was looking for. I was the one with the dark turquoise and the muted hot pink. God had given me words in the moment that I saw my shoes...and that connection was not my own. I needed that gentle reminder that I had gotten off track...and that if I really want the ATL situation to work in a school setting, I need to be more focused on the Kingdom than I am about my own self and even my own education (within healthy limits). Yes, God has given me the role of being a student in this season, and I feel blessed to have the access to a quality education...but no matter what God's purposes and ways are greater than my own. And I will never lose in His eyes if I follow His calls and sacrifice selfishness. Here's to a Kingdom-focused school year. More of Him, less of me. |
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AuthorMy name is Alyssa Guzman, and I love to write. That being said, this blog isn't only to ease the curiosity of my supporters, I created it to benefit me...and to reflect on my experiences and build on the knowledge that I gained while serving in Guatemala...and to share the deep and meaningful stories with you, as well as the silly (and embarrassing) ones! |