First off - this blog post will be a continuation and addition to my blog that was posted on the Adventures in Missions website, titled "Inside and Out". Please take a look before reading further - ambassador.adventures.org/post/inside-and-out1 Okay, now we can get started... Hello, people! I've been home for almost 2 1/2 weeks now. It's crazy to me to think that 3 weeks ago I was still under the Guatemalan sun. There's so much to talk about...and I can't wait to dive into that, but first...y'all (yes, y'all...at least half of my team was from the south) deserve an update. Two major things need to be addressed with this blog: an exciting addition to the story of my healing from depression, along with an update on the healing of my back. 1.) On our last night together, one of my dear teammates, Bri, was inquiring about my healing experience. She asked me to explain where I felt the sensation in my head, and I did my best to point and describe where exactly I felt the sensation. Then, she excitedly pulls out her phone and shows me that the same area I described is the region of the brain that controls depression! That was a really neat confirmation that the sensation and overwhelming joy I felt was, indeed, healing from my long-term mental illnesses. I also stopped both my antidepressant drug and my anti-anxiety medication all together after my healing experience. Meaning that as of this Wednesday I will have been off of the medication for 3 weeks with just a few withdrawal symptoms (mild headaches & brain shivers), which were to be expected. Despite being off of meds, I feel great. Actually, I feel better than I have in the 4 years that I've been dealing with depression and anxiety. ***Side note to anyone who's worried about my mental state of mind...I saw my psychiatrist this morning and she respects my decision to stop the medication, however she will be keeping a close eye on me in the next few months as the drugs completely leave my system. I wholeheartedly believe that I am healed, but I also want to be safe and keep an eye out for more serious symptoms of going off the medications that I've been taking for quite some time. I want to respect my doctor, because there's no sure way to know how my body will respond to such a significant change. 2.) To preface what I'm about to say, I'm really grateful that God surprised me and healed my mental illness because the healing in my leg/back has not been an easy one to process. Without the radical healing in my head I feel like I would've lost faith and trust in God's healing power...because the pain in my back came back worse than it's ever been. Dance. Hm. In my other blog I talked about how I was told that I was born to dance. And it's been a real struggle trying to figure out what that means. I took 2 years of dance in elementary school, but I wasn't coordinated enough to pursue it further. In my teen years I've been one to shy away from dance parties because I never know what to do with my body. Dancing makes me uncomfortable. There's been many nights where I literally cry as I'm crying out to God asking why it had to be dancing. Practically begging Him to change His mind. I've tried it a few times, a dance session all alone with my Savior...but the pain in my back never feels better. The day after I came home I found a song by Bethel called "We Dance". I ended up listening to it on repeat for the rest of the day...because it meant so much to me on so many different levels. I really encourage you to take a listen. The song was so powerful because it described a kind of dancing that wasn't physical. Dancing with God, as a metaphor, makes a lot of sense. When we dance with a partner, you trust them to lead you and guide your steps. Your dance together looks beautiful because of what the leader is doing. When two partners try to lead, the dance gets choppy, uncoordinated, and it falls apart fairly quickly. But with God, as the song says, we're trusting Him and we follow His lead. It's our responsibility to follow God's footsteps and to not stray from the close embrace that we share with Him. Sometimes when we dance, God will dip us...we might lose faith or become frightened because it seems like God is about to let go. But God takes us by surprise all the time, and the result is better than it was before. Sometimes we might be going backwards, and really, if we're following God's lead...a lot of our steps might be blind...but that's the beauty of it. We can rest in knowing that God won't lead us where He doesn't go. We trust Him that His ways and plans and thoughts are greater than any of our own. He doesn't take the lead for the sake of control, He takes the lead for the sake of allowing us to rest in His arms. I still don't know what's going on in my back, I know for sure that my leg was extended and that is sealed in place...but I don't know where to go from here. If physical dancing is really the cure, or if spiritual dancing is what God desires from me now.
Either way, God is still good. I know what it is to have much, and I know what it is to have little. I fully trust that His plan is still being worked out...and that the pain is there for His glory; some way, some how. God has already been using the pain to guide the direction of my upcoming semester, at the moment I am unable to run cross country...which is upsetting. However, it allows for a lot more time and flexibility to focus on my other passions that I feel called to, like worship leading. Everything will play out the way that God intends for it to. He's got the whole world in His hands. He's got me, and my life, in His hands...and He wont ever let me go.
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AuthorMy name is Alyssa Guzman, and I love to write. That being said, this blog isn't only to ease the curiosity of my supporters, I created it to benefit me...and to reflect on my experiences and build on the knowledge that I gained while serving in Guatemala...and to share the deep and meaningful stories with you, as well as the silly (and embarrassing) ones! |